The Grandest, Most Fantabulous Ball!
by Wildcat Ohrya
Summary: Hmm… This is a satire to all of those fan-fics out there which include balls. It’ll be a short piece, unless someone wants it longer, and I’ll write it in L/J time, just so that I can muck around with the relationship. As love/hate is also over d


The Grandest, Most Fantabulous, Most Superbus, Supremos, And Amazing Ball to Ever Occur at Hogwarts!

Chapter One: A Pool Table!

Some things are always exciting. No matter how many times you hear about them, or how many times they occur, they still fill you with wonder and enjoyment at the prospect.

However, when something great happens that is entirely unexpected, and that has never occurred before… Well, that is another matter entirely.

Sombre, as he often was, Professor Dumbledore, headmaster for the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was pleased to admit (without even that mischievous twinkle in his eye showing through) that for the Halloween Feast coming up in only a week, the school that so many students attended would be holding a…

"BALL!" Screamed Lily Evans at the top of her lungs. Completely ecstatic, the sixteen-year-old Gryffindor girl jumped up and down on top of her house's table, ignoring the curious looks she earned. Around her thousands of lit candles floated, while above the stormy grey to black of the enchanted ceiling gave the Great Hall a feeling of encroaching darkness. Whether Lily noticed any of this - as she progressed to drag her friends up on the table and commence to cavort madly in her own odd dance - also is still in contention. Obviously she didn't notice the dinner plates she so carelessly knocked over. And possibly not the numerous glasses filled with tasty pumpkin juice that flew in every single direction. Bar hers. Lily remained relatively unscathed despite her little adventure.

Not so for James Potter, one of the most (apparently - and this is according to a group of fifth year girls so I _really_ mean apparently) good looking, charming, intelligent, popular and superb quidditch players of their year. He was, of course, sixteen. And also, of course, his head of messy black hair was dripping with the remains of an overly full jug of pumpkin juice that Lily had just happened to send in his direction.

The glare his chocolate brown eyes and furrowed black brows directed in Lily's direction was rather spoiled by the thick globs of bright orange liquid that dribbled down his forehead. Neither did it help that Lily (smile flashing, emerald eyes sparkling and red hair waving) appeared to notice nothing at all of his angry looks.

She was still jumping around on the tables. There was quite a large group of them now, mostly girls, bouncing about the table and sending everything into disarray. Lily led everyone, however, and soon had everybody standing on the tables with her waving their arms all about the place, or kicking their left legs out to the side. (Who would care, other than one very disgruntled James, that in that action she managed to knock yet another plate of string beans in his direction?) Most other people still sitting at the table rather resembled a smorgasbord of messy foods, also.

Meandering her way over to the Gryffindor table, which was now occupied by a very enthusiastic group of "Ball Cheerleaders" who were performing to their heart's obvious content, Minerva McGonagall succeeded at ducking the second bowl of spinach that had flown towards her head. Known by many Hogwart's students as the strictest professor of all time, it was quite surprising that she would let the house of which she was apparently in control become so…

Insane?

Lily Evans began to play air guitar, and smiled as a hoard of students followed. Soon all the tabletop dancers were pop stars and marvellous musicians, leaping around and making a general nuisance of themselves. James Potter managed to keep his glare alight despite a smattering of potato mash across his cheeks.

And they hadn't even thought to bring magic into it yet.

Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and (currently inactive due to an apparently necessary ["Ignore her James!" "No! Leave me alone, I'm glaring" "Jaaaaaamessss….." "If I let her win this time then I'll never live it down!" "But she almost always wins!" "No, she doesn't!" "Yes she does!" "No she doesn't!" "YES, she does!" "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!"…] glare that was doing absolutely ["No!" "Yes!" "No!" "Yes!"…] no- ["No!" "Yes!"…] thing!) James Potter made up part of a secret group of pranksters, notorious for their rule breaking. The Marauders.

"Dung bomb?"

"Check."

"Fireworks?"

"Check"

"Rubber duck?"

  
"Er… Check"

"Blue bunny?"

"Sirius, you know what we've said about the blue bunny…" said Remus, seriously.

"What are you trying to say about my bubbliest bunnykins?" asked Sirius, beginning to pout with his eyes wide in hurt disbelief.

"Nothing terrible, it's just that…" began Peter.

"What?"

"Well…" tried Remus.

"He's not good enough for me? He's too… BLUE for your tastes?" cried Sirius, outraged.

"No, we never said that…" Remus attempted to sound calm.

"Ha! I know… You're just jealous!" Yelled Sirius in glee.

"Jealous?" exclaimed Peter, "Of a stuffed Toy?"

"Bubble bath?" continued Sirius.

"Check…"

--- --- ---

Minerva tried to ignore the group of suspicious looking boys as she slowly made her way towards the wobbling table, creaking despite its size under the weight of a hundred or so robust children. They now performed an intricate ballet, with Lily Evans as the main, of course. Whether their moves would have been classed quite under the category of ballet was another matter entirely. Considering that it seemed the students more seemed to delight in the throwing of their peers from one area of their "stage" to the other than those forms and moves more akin to… classical ballet.

Unfortunately not quick enough to dodge the high flier, Professor McGonagall was finally bespattered with an odd combination of gravy and ice cream. Strangely enough, the teacher's scowl deepened at this new development.

"AND AWAY!" Came the shout from across the grand hall, echoing off the stone walls and flagged floors. Tall glass windows shone bright in a broad spectrum of colours as the first firework was exploded. And it only got brighter as a further twenty progressed to explode, right over the Gryffindor table.

The students, delighting in this extra enjoyment, partied all the harder.

However, when water, bubble bath a rubber duck and strange blue bunny are added to the combination things might just begin to change…

--- --- ---

Spells in place, Sirius, Peter and Remus gave each a slight nod before beginning to fill the large Gryffindor table up with water. Of course, in a normal environment this would make absolutely no sense. And, perhaps, even in a magical one it would be difficult to understand. Yet we all realise that the Marauders are geniuses capable of anything… Er… despite James' current predicament ["Does not!" "Does too!" "Does not!"…]. So, because of their intelligence and ingenuity, when the Marauders began to fill the Gryffindor table up with water, fill up it did. Who cares that around one hundred students were soon swimming in a pool instead of dancing on a table?

Unfortunately, James wasn't in the right position to avoid the water, and soon found himself floating somewhere near the surface of the table-pool. Ignoring all the people dancing, swimming and shouting around him, he kept up his glare. Until he found that glaring in a table of water doesn't exactly work too well unless you go to some effort to keep yourself afloat.

Gurgling out the water that had filled his mouth for a moment, James decided that this time he would dog paddle as well as glare. Preparing himself to dog paddle and re-twisting the (apparently handsome) features of his face into a Lily enhanced glare, James tried to resume where he had left off. Noticing that the object of his attention had wandered off somewhere, however, he decided that he should perhaps find her, first…

--- --- ---

"Bubbles on the ready, Marauder Two?"

"Bubbles on GO, Marauder One"

"Blue Bunny in safe position, Marauder One?"

"Blue Bunny safe, Marauder One."

Sirius, also known as Marauder One for this mission (due to James' occupation with a particular red haire- ["I do NOT think of her like that!" "You can hardly keep your eyes off her!" "Yes, in annoyance!" "No, more like LUUURRVE!" "That is NOT true!" "Yes it is!" "No it's not!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!"…]-d, green eyed, Gryffindor girl…), quickly double checked the secure moorings of his favourite soft toy before returning his attention back to their most recent creation. Signalling at Peter to be done with the bubble bath mixture, Sirius smiled in satisfaction as their prank came to its completion.

On contact with the water, the magical bubble mixture burst into life, creating a large foamy mixture that almost entirely filled the table. They proved somewhat a nuisance, getting in everybody's way and making life even more difficult for the party going students, however this was soon turned into a game of bubble wars in which most students (and professors) still in the great hall were totally saturated in bubbles.

The rubber duck enjoyed himself immensely, transfiguring into a moving creature once it reached the giant table of sudsy water. Never mind that water also enabled the rubber duck to enlarge itself into a monster that was actually around twenty times its previous size.

--- --- ---

"We're going to have a ball! We're going to have a BALL!" Lily sang happily, still amused and cheerful with the thought. "A BALL! A BALL! Dancing, and dresses and music and make-up!" Lily's eyes continued to brighten with the prospect, until they were glowing orbs of emerald. "Can you believe it? A BALL!!"

Well, at least her constant nattering aided someone. James found it easier to follow her voice than attempt to approach her in any other manner. He remembered to swim this time – tables of water can be dangerous things if you don't take the proper precautions. Particularly when you tried to combine them with glaring. James had learnt this the hard way. Twice.

Finding her at long last, James continued to glare at Lily Evans. Staring at her with a strange intensity that may've bothered her… Had she actually gone to the effort of noticing.

--- --- ---

Professor McGonagall, now looking exceedingly grumpy in her current cloak of white bubbles, strode more purposefully to the massive table of water, trying to not feel pride at what was quite obviously an achievement of some merit. Though restraining charms were always difficult, especially when used in conjunction with water. Also the height levels had been well thought out, and Minerva silently considered just how they had managed to move such a large amount of water from… wherever they had found it.

Literally shaking such thoughts from her head, the Professor continued on her angry way towards the table. Sliding occasionally on the bubbled floors, Minerva would occasionally reach out and grasp a chair or one of the tables as she used them for necessary support. Thankfully, they had all finally been cleared and the dishes were no longer in danger of being swam into, stepped on, swiped at or thrown any longer.

A sudden sizzling sound alerted Professor McGonagall to her suddenly very bad positioning. A sizzling that she knew would soon be followed by a dreadful stench… And her it came. Unable to remove herself from the pong-radius, Minerva McGonagall used her lungs as her only escape from the smell and outlet for her fury…

"BLACK! LUPIN! POTTER! PETTIGREW!" She screamed across the hall, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

Yet obviously it wasn't, as "Black! Lupin!" (erm, not Potter ["Do not!" "Do too!"…]) and "Pettigrew!" decided at that instant to undo those difficult restraining charms…

**__**

^wildcat~ohrya^


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